I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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