Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
