I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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