just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
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