God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
