I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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