I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
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