why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Enjoy the penises
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
