I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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