....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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