Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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