it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Acid is not a monday night drug
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
