im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
