nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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