so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
