Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
