every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
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You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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