the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
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