i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
