i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
