So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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