4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
