Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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