I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
