how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
did i walk over a car last night?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
