I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
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I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
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I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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