if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
