I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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