He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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