and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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