Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
