addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
