my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
