Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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