What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
