I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
