You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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