Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
