I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
