my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
