i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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