Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Your dad touched me again.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Randomize
