The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
