So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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