at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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