i would punch a child for taco bell
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
