It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
