shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
