never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
