You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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