FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
