Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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