Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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