I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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