All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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