does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
