I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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